scared? fear? part 2

as i think about fear, i have to come clean about one of my greatest fears...currently. i struggle to let others know about it, because it makes me sound so out of control...which i am at this point of my LIFE.

my greatest fear occurs about 3 times a week...sometimes less and sometimes more. each morning that i wake up and don't hear lane playing in his room, brings me my biggest fear...what if something has happened to him during the night?

this might sound like a needless fear or you might think agree. the truth is, i don't care if you agree or disagree on this one. it's a very real fear for me recently, and i don't know why.

most mornings when i wake up around 6:10 to wake d-money up for school, lane has been up for a while and is already playing with his toys and making all kinds of noise. occasionally though, he sleeps all night and that means i have to wake him up...it also means that i don't hear his tell-tale signs of laughter, his shrieks, or the sound of his toys piercing through our downstairs.

up until recently, i longed to have lane sleep through the night, much like d-money and for the most part, e-dub, but now i find myself fearful of the "what if?" feeling. i think the hardest part of all of that is knowing that one day, none of us will be here, but the reality of lane not waking up one day or having a seizure that he never recovers from is a VERY REAL possibility in our world. i also know that when that day comes for lane, his world will go from horrible and painful to instant bliss. he will stand before his creator for the first time on legs that work and his eyes will work and his first sight will be he face of Jesus! i rejoice at the mere thought of knowing lane is going to be great one day, but the fear is still there today.

why? why would i choose to fear when i really do trust and believe with everything in me that it's going to be ok? am i afraid of the pain it would cause our family? am i ashamed that it might happen while we are sleeping and therefore it would be blamed on us? i really don't think it's any of those, i think it's actually a bigger character flaw within myself. i think it's my realization and reality that i really have NO control over it. i don't think i have worried about d-money or e-dub not waking up since they were mere infants, but lane's different...and fragile...and it's a real possibility that he might not wake up one day, but regardless is it fair to the rest of the family or to him to let fear have a place inside a heart that isn't supposed to fear? is it right to fear the uncertain...and is it truly uncertain if i truly believe?

i have to think about the story of Jesus and the dad of the son with seizures. the story in Mark 9. check it out below with my commentary.

14-16When they came back down the mountain to the other disciples, they saw a huge crowd around them, and the religion scholars cross-examining them. As soon as the people in the crowd saw Jesus, admiring excitement stirred them. They ran and greeted him. He asked, "What's going on? What's all the commotion?"

because, when religious people get around those who truly follow Jesus, a fight usually ensues over who's really right...

17-18A man out of the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought my mute son, made speechless by a demon, to you. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, grinds his teeth, and goes stiff as a board. I told your disciples, hoping they could deliver him, but they couldn't."

a seizure...want to get attention? have one! i can actually feel that dad's pain. i can feel his hopelessness, his frustration, and his anger. i might even go as far as saying he could even be a little more than ticked that he's helpless when all this happens. what good dad would just sit back and watch this happen to his son? and then he goes to get help from Jesus' disciples, and they were helpless too. so this is what was in store for his son for the rest of his LIFE? i'm so glad we have a great neurologist, that i trust, but this guy had nothing like that.

19-20Jesus said, "What a generation! No sense of God! How many times do I have to go over these things? How much longer do I have to put up with this? Bring the boy here." They brought him. When the demon saw Jesus, it threw the boy into a seizure, causing him to writhe on the ground and foam at the mouth.

first, the AMAZING sense of sarcasm and frustration in Jesus, and second, the mere contact with Jesus' presence brought the funk from the demon. maybe there's something more to that than we've previously given Jesus credit with. His presence should royally tick off some demons and evil around us...

21-22He asked the boy's father, "How long has this been going on?"

"Ever since he was a little boy. Many times it pitches him into fire or the river to do away with him. If you can do anything, do it. Have a heart and help us!"

notice, Jesus didn't just jump right in and help out. He didn't just bail the dad out of his pain and suffering...again, ANOTHER LIFE lesson

23Jesus said, "If? There are no 'ifs' among believers. Anything can happen."

24No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, "Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!"

I NEED TO HEAR THIS! I have if's! they are crippling and they suck the faith out. thank God for this passage and for a dad who was willing to do anything for his son.

25-27Seeing that the crowd was forming fast, Jesus gave the vile spirit its marching orders: "Dumb and deaf spirit, I command you—Out of him, and stay out!" Screaming, and with much thrashing about, it left. The boy was pale as a corpse, so people started saying, "He's dead." But Jesus, taking his hand, raised him. The boy stood up.

of course a crowd was forming. you have Jesus and then a seizure. why would a crowd not want to watch THAT trainwreck?

28After arriving back home, his disciples cornered Jesus and asked, "Why couldn't we throw the demon out?"

29He answered, "There is no way to get rid of this kind of demon except by prayer."

from the message paraphrase

so what am i praying for today that is preparing me for what i'm not going to be able to do on my own tomorrow?

you?